I hate all girls vehemently.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
