Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
