If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
