My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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