he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
don't judge my taste in strippers
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize