I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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