It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
