I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize