i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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