Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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