there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
