umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
