No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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