I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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