..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
