the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
