I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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