im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My bed smells like the plague
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
