I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
