ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
