I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
