when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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