my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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