just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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