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I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
