1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
