Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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