New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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