If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
