if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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