i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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