I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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