take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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