He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
