Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
