Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize