Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
