do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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