Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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