Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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