My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
