WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize