If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
