So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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