I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
