I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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