My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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