One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
