she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
