I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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