I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
