this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
