i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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