Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
