I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
