I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
