I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
