I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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