somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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