can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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