I'm eating all of the evidence.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You're like the curious george of whores
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
