Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
