Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
