I feel like abortions should bother me more
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize