You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
