new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize