I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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