I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
